This is just another one of those weird adult things you have to get used to-- not always being with your family. It's the first Thanksgiving I haven't been with my immediate family. There are some personal matters going on right now that also make it harder. One of those things where I just want to go home to my mom and dad.
Yesterday was one of those days. I was sitting in church, a place where you should feel free to be real. Say what's going on, that you are in need of prayer, of hugs. But I wasn't. I instead avoided those I knew.I was afraid of drawing too much attention to myself in a large congregation where I know only a handful of people. I didn't want to start telling someone what was going on, not being able to hold it in anymore, and just... you know... start the ugly cry.
As for what's going on, I know most likely it will be OK. Regardless God is in control, I know that. Most of the time I do feel at peace with it. But I have a history of anxiety issues, and sometimes it really gets the best of me. At those times I need to talk to someone, for someone to calm me down. But when I most need that, I instead turn inward until I can't take it anymore, drag my husband to my car and release the demon that is the ugly cry on him and he has no clue why. Poor Matt. Thankfully, he's experienced at this kind of thing.
I then proceeded to look at one-way airfare so I could go see my parents, albeit briefly, before Thanksgiving. Due to it being the week it is, airfare was of course prohibitively expensive so no seeing my parents.
Anyway, suffice it to say this will be a different holiday season. Things aren't always the easiest emotionally/spiritually. I love Matt's family and I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving with them, don't get me wrong there. I just have this child-like instinct to want to see my parents, spend the holidays with them, and be there for each other during this time.
I guess that's a part of growing up, learning to depend more upon God first, my husband second, before your parents. So much balancing to be learned.
Basically, it's a difficult time right now. I'm excited about Thanksgiving and do have so much to be thankful for, but it's not perfect. I didn't feel right writing a happy, picture-perfect Thanksgiving-related post today, because that wouldn't be honest. Thank you, Joelle, for reminding me of the importance for honesty.
I'm going back to editing papers now, so I'll leave you with this: