Update

I wanted to thank you for your prayers & thoughts over the past couple of days. They mean a lot to me!


I'm not going to go into much detail for the sake of my family's privacy, but just know that things worked out in the best possible manner. Life is definitely going to change and there are some difficult days ahead, but I think ultimately this will be good. 


The past two days were very emotionally challenging and this morning I read Psalm 37 and found a lot of wisdom in it. I'm not sure where you are in life, but it contains such words of truth, love, and comfort that I wanted to share it with you.

Psalm 37: 1-11

¹ 

Do not fret because of those who are evil

    or be envious of those who do wrong; 

² 

for like the grass they will soon wither, 

    like green plants they will soon die away.

³ 

Trust in the Lord and do good;

    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 

⁴ 

Take delight in the Lord,

    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ 

Commit your way to the Lord;

    trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ 

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, 

    your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ 

Be still before the Lord

    and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways, 

    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ 

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

    do not fret —it leads only to evil.

⁹ 

For those who are evil will be destroyed, 

    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

¹⁰ 

A little while, and the wicked will be no more; 

    though you look for them, they will not be found.

¹¹ 

But the meek will inherit the land 

    and enjoy peace and prosperity.

Why Grad School?

In undergrad I never really knew what I was going to do once graduation came. With the bachelor degree I earned, there really wasn't a lot I could do with it (that I wanted to do) so grad school was the obvious choice. I took some career aptitude tests to help guide me in that decision and their answer was always clear- PROFESSOR. I would always reject that answer and instead insist on other things. Those other paths shifted from month-to-month it seems, but one thing I knew- I would be anything but being a professor. 


Even when I started my program I was set against going into academia. This avoidance is due to a lot of things, such as desiring a more 'helping' oriented profession, the ability to have a family, and the lack of desire for the stress of a tenure-track position. An important obstacle was the anti-Christian message I received from several professors and I think the public perceives from academics in general. The list could go on. However, this semester things started to change. I still want a family of course and I don't want my job to be insanely stressful-- who does? But I learned I had a lot of misconceptions about being a professor, I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about God's heart. 

I realized that it is possible to have a family and be a professor, too. Oftentimes professors have a lot of freedom in their schedules, so that can be made to fit with having kids, especially with the cooperation of my husband. 


I know how to handle stress for the most part by avoiding it. My first year in grad school wasn't that stressful. I realize I'm just starting and things will progress more that way, but I learned that I do work ahead of deadlines and I do enjoy research, two factors that will really benefit me in the field. I am so not one to put off doing work until the last minute-- putting off work stresses me out so why do that to myself? I have been known to make weekly/monthly schedules of I'm going to accomplish all I have to do by setting deadlines for myself and saying OK, on this day you will do X, Y, and Z. I do know that If I chose the tenure track, it will be a lot of hours, more than 40/week, but if that's where God wants me to be, then that's where He'll put me. 


Most importantly, though, I learned to accept where God has put me and the gifts He has given me. As I previously mentioned, I wanted a more helping oriented position, one that is clearly and directly helping people. Academia and associated fields seem less so. However, what I learned is that God did not give me a huge amount of patience, thus I really shouldn't be a teacher for anyone younger than 18. God did give me an analytical mind, He gave me an interest in reading, in learning, in why people do the crazy things they do. I could go on with this, but the point is that despite my kicking and screaming along the way, God has given me so many pokes and prods along the way I would have to blind not to see the fact that this is where I am supposed to be. 


My program has offered me amazing opportunities already and it is only my first year. I'm happy. I'm enjoying what I'm learning, being able to see the 'real' side of what being a professor is all about and what doing research really means. 


Does this mean I will without a doubt be a professor when I graduate in 3-4 years? I don't know that. It just means I'm way more open to it then I was 6 months ago. I probably will, but a lot of it comes down to finding a job where Matt can get a job, that I feel the position is a good fit for my personality and my family's needs, and all of that fun stuff.


Basically, the answer to what I want to do with my Ph.D. comes down to whatever will allow me to use my gifts to the best of my ability in order to fully glorify God. I should not try to be something I'm not by trying to do something I'm not called to. I very much fit into the world of academia, and that is not a bad thing. It doesn't have to be a profession full of atheists/agnostics who believe Christians don't think or are judgmental. I can be a part of changing that perception. My field will allow me to help uncover the reasons why people commit crimes, hopefully to inform policy efforts along the way. Of course this latter benefit pales in comparison to the former.


Regardless, I'm excited. If I've learned this much about grad school, myself, and God in the first year, I can't imagine where I'll be in 3-4 years from now. It may be some place different, but right now I'm very thankful.


PS: If you read this far, you're a champ. Here's your reward. 


PPS: Sorry, couldn't resist. If you don't get it, go here. 

An Amazing Revelation

So Monday evening when I was driving home from work, I called my husband like I always do to let him know I'm about 10 minutes away. I hung up, and had this thought:

Woah, I just called my husband to tell him I'm coming home.

I know, shocking, right? But I think back to a year ago (heck, less) when we had NO CLUE where we would be living, where Matt would have a job, if I would be in graduate school (for an example, click here). I just could not wait to be married. Now, we had an amazing wedding and are enjoying our first year as husband & wife. He has a great job that he loves, we live in Texas which was our number one choice, and I got into an amazing graduate program where I am also employed as a TA/RA. We are involved with an amazing church, have some family members up here, and are mostly happy with our apartment. 


To be honest, it is more than I could have hoped for. Totally shows that God provides. Anyway, as I was having these thoughts, it also occurred to me that I really should not be anxious for anything. He is in control. He put us here for many reasons, He has a plan. 


It also occurred to me that I should enjoy where I am in life. Yeah, life gets stressful and crazy at times. I spend more of our weekends together doing homework than I would prefer. I dream about having an actual home, where I can't hear my upstairs neighbor play fetch with his dogs right when we climb into bed. Regardless, life is still so good. 


And that to me is a huge comfort when life seems to be more than I can handle. I look back a year ago and think about how much I wanted where I am now. It is very hard to be negative when that is my perspective!


What about you? Have you ever had such a revelation where things just clicked?

A different holiday season

As a lot of you know, this is our first holiday season as newlyweds, which means learning how to split the holidays with our various families. This Thanksgiving, we'll be spending time with Matt's family. At Christmas, we'll be with my family then driving 10+ hours for Matt's family Christmas celebration. So much driving, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is just another one of those weird adult things you have to get used to-- not always being with your family. It's the first Thanksgiving I haven't been with my immediate family. There are some personal matters going on right now that also make it harder. One of those things where I just want to go home to my mom and dad. 

Yesterday was one of those days. I was sitting in church, a place where you should feel free to be real. Say what's going on, that you are in need of prayer, of hugs. But I wasn't. I instead avoided those I knew.I was afraid of drawing too much attention to myself in a large congregation where I know only a handful of people. I didn't want to start telling someone what was going on, not being able to hold it in anymore, and just... you know... start the ugly cry. 

As for what's going on, I know most likely it will be OK. Regardless God is in control, I know that. Most of the time I do feel at peace with it. But I have a history of anxiety issues, and sometimes it really gets the best of me. At those times I need to talk to someone, for someone to calm me down. But when I most need that, I instead turn inward until I can't take it anymore, drag my husband to my car and release the demon that is the ugly cry on him and he has no clue why. Poor Matt. Thankfully, he's experienced at this kind of thing. 

I then proceeded to look at one-way airfare so I could go see my parents, albeit briefly, before Thanksgiving. Due to it being the week it is, airfare was of course prohibitively expensive so no seeing my parents. 

Anyway, suffice it to say this will be a different holiday season. Things aren't always the easiest emotionally/spiritually. I love Matt's family and I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving with them, don't get me wrong there. I just have this child-like instinct to want to see my parents, spend the holidays with them, and be there for each other during this time. 

I guess that's a part of growing up, learning to depend more upon God first, my husband second, before your parents. So much balancing to be learned. 

Basically, it's a difficult time right now. I'm excited about Thanksgiving and do have so much to be thankful for, but it's not perfect. I didn't feel right writing a happy, picture-perfect Thanksgiving-related post today, because that wouldn't be honest. Thank you, Joelle, for reminding me of the importance for honesty. 

I'm going back to editing papers now, so I'll leave you with this:

http://weheartit.com/entry/14923701

A change of sorts

This is a little late in coming, but I blame grad school. 


In response to my self-declared social media fast, I had various reactions and thoughts. Things definitely changed, not so much my plan for my life, it's still unknown. Instead, my thoughts changed regarding social networking changed.

I know I don't have the most popular blog, and I'm always happy when I have 3 comments. I know more than 3 people read this blog, just most never tell me. No emails, messages, comments, etc. The purpose of this blog is to share what's going on with my life, especially with those I care about but I don't get to see as often as I would like. I like that I've gotten to know people through this blog that aren't in my 'real' world, don't get me wrong. But, I got to a point where I became fixated on getting more followers and was sad when that number dropped inexplicably. 

What's weird to think about is how I don't really know who reads this blog. I know strangers do, but that's not what bothers me. It's my friends, family, and acquaintances that read it but just don't tell me. It makes it difficult to write when I'm not sure who my audience is. Do you, the reader, like what I'm writing? Or do I sound like a blathering idiot who has no clue what she's talking about? Feedback is good. It starts a conversation. 

I'm a social person, as we all are. I thrive off of good conversations with good friends, and one of the hardest things about moving is losing all that. Matt is my best friend, but a girl still needs her girl friends. 

My parents (hi Mom and Dad!) talk about how lucky my generation is to have the internet for things like Facebook so we can keep in touch with former classmates. But sometimes I'm not so sure. It can turn into this weird stalking relationship where no real communication is taking place. Instead, I look at so-and-so's pictures, read their status updates, and I think I know what's going in their life. People do the same with me (theoretically). But that's not really knowing someone. 

I think Facebook and the like is an easy way for us to fulfill our needs to be connected with the people around us without the responsibilities of having a relationship. Yes, it does allow for you to have messages back and forth with people, but I know the majority of my time on these sites is not spent messaging people. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. It is a site I wish I could not belong to, but unfortunately some of my organizations use it to communicate so that's not really an option. 

Instead, I think my solution is to cut back severely. I'll still get on it, but just limit my time thanks to a handy little Chrome Add-On. 

As for this blog, it's going to change a little bit, too. I made an email address you can use to contact me. PLEASE no negativity/spam, etc. As I know not everyone as a google account, you can't all comment. Instead, if you have thoughts feel free to email me at littlebitofeverything.jessica[at]gmail[dot]com


It's long, I know, but copy and paste is a magical thing.  

I know social media can be a good thing, it can connect people all over the world to each other, provide a convenient way to learn, trade ideas, and get to know each other. However, I think that as the lazy human beings we are, we instead passively scroll through someone's page instead of actively typing a message.  

So, do you agree or disagree? I'm interested in your thoughts on this.

Social Media Fast

[post deleted to protect the innocent]

One amazing update!

Well, since the last update about grad schools, which you can read here, I have heard back from all FOUR grad schools I applied to, Matt has a job, and we know where we're going to be living.

First, I want to say that God is so so so amazing. Yesterday I was having a really hard time because I had been either rejected or waitlisted from 3 graduate programs. I started catastrophizing and convincing myself that I wasn't going to get in to the program I needed to. I had no back-up plan whatsoever.

Then today, after lunch with my amazing maid of honor, Mary, I checked my status on the program's website. And what do you know, it went from "We are currently reviewing your application" to "We would like to offer you admission to the PhD program"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was that enough exclamation points? I don't know if I could tell you how excited I was. My roommate wasn't home at the time, as I may have scared her with my sudden screaming and jumping around. But, after making many phone calls and sending many prayers of thanks, it finally began to sink in.

I got accepted to a PhD program in Criminology in the area where my future husband as a job. 

Oh. My. I am/We are so lucky for this to have worked out. I applied to 4 grad schools, one in Texas, one in Tennessee, one in Connecticut, and one in Washington state, with the hope that I would be accepted to as many as possible so Matt could have the greatest probability of getting a job, etc.

So, the past two weeks have been a roller coaster with all the no's/maybe's coming in and then Matt for sure getting the job. And then today was just perfect. I don't know about funding yet, so still praying that that comes through. But, what I do know is:

• Matt & I know where we'll be living
• I have heard back from every grad school and was accepted to the one that really matters
• Matt has a job and it can support both of us

Yes, we are quite blessed. We are so thankful and now the epic apartment search begins! 

I just can't believe this...

I know this is everywhere right now and people all over are up in arms about it, but this is my blog, and I wanted to say some things about it. What you may ask? This: Westboro Baptist Church says it will picket Elizabeth Edwards' funeral. Yes, this is the same church that protested at the funerals of soldiers. Read this little bit, from the 'church':

 GOD HATES ELIZABETH EDWARDS! WBC WILL PICKET HER FUNERAL AT EDENTON UMC (228 W. EDENTON ST., RALEIGH, NC), SAT., DEC. 11, FROM 11:30 – 1:00 PM, TO WIT: FLEE HER EXAMPLE – ITS LATTER END IS DISEASE & DEATH & ORPHANED CHILDREN!
Elizabeth Edwards INSISTED upon being summoned before the King of Eternity while her children are yet minors. She INSISTED upon her son’s death, an unremitting disease raging in her body, a whorish husband bringing their family to open shame, & now her death & final judgment. Elizabeth Edwards & her faithless husband, John, lightly esteemed what they had. They coveted things that were not theirs – and presumptuously thought they could control God. When they were visited from the Most High God with the death of their 16-year-old son, they did not humble themselves before His mighty hand. They reared up in rage, decided they would show God who is boss, and meddled in matters of the womb, resulting in 2 more children – now motherless. God heard self-absorbed Elizabeth as she rode the talk show circuit spewing blasphemy. God heard her say “my God could not …protect my boy” and “I’m not praying to God to save me from cancer” and that God is not “the God I wanted.” Her smash-mouthed assault on His deity, sovereignty and infallibility brought more GodSmacks upon her, & she dug into her perverse position all the deeper. Elizabeth is now a resident of hell, where her rebellion and rage will take full flower. She rejoins the dead child who beat her there, and has seen the face of her grievous misconduct in neglecting her non-delegable duty to him.
Now WBC warns all who would contemplate Elizabeth Edwards’ end: RUN AWAY from all that she was, said & did; it is UNCLEAN! John Edwards: burn that willful tripe Elizabeth has been writing for those children as a poisonous substitute for her Deut. 6 duty. Tell your children every day, with everything you do & say, that it was WRONG what you and she have done in this life. And tell them, from Scripture, what is required of them by the Lord their God. OBEY!
ELIZABETH EDWARDS IS IN HELL.

Regardless of my own political beliefs, I do not think anyone deserves this treatment after their death, no matter the cause. That they said God hates her, therefore He gave the late Edwards cancer so she would die is just so wrong. It is one of those hard things to accept, how freedom of speech allows for talk like this. It comes from a self-proclaimed church, claiming to be part of a mainstream denomination. This is not helping the Christians' mission of spreading God's amazing message to his people. Their message of hate and damnation is just pushing people away. That breaks my heart.

My God is love, not hate. He is the only one allowed to judge us on this earth, no one else, not me, and certainly not these so-called believers from WBC can possess that power. And really, would you want to? At times like these it is hard to be loving of someone that is portraying a hurtful image of your faith. But, that is what we're called to do. Love & forgive. 

So while I will pray for the Edwards family, regardless of their past, I will also pray for the WBC followers. It is hurtful what they're doing, but think about this Christmas season and the reason for it. Jesus. And that reminds me that while I can be upset about WBC and their actions, I should still pray for them.

K, I'm off my soap box now. I know I typically don't get religious on this, but it is something that is very important to me, and I shouldn't be ashamed to post it on here (even if no one reads it). Feel free to comment on your own thoughts on this, but please nothing hurtful. :)  

I'll fess up... I'm addicted

...to wedding pictures! I see a friend of a friend on Facebook who has some form of wedding picture as his/her profile pic. So then I click on their profile, and let the stalking begin. Then it can progress from there, if they have any friends who have wedding pics... well, you see where this is going.

Source

Anyway, I was wondering at what point am I stalking their pics for ideas versus just plain interest. I don't think I've gotten many ideas from looking at these albums. A lot of times I end of judging the bride for things like her dress being a bit too low, a bit too scandalous, a bit too non-traditional. Or I judge whoever paid for the wedding for the ridiculous items they included.


More often than not, though, I get jealous. They're married already, and I'm not. Yeah, I know we will be in 7 months (and one week!), but sometimes that feels so long to wait. Then I can get caught up in the details of their wedding, and how they have some cool thing I won't have in my wedding, and more jealousy. 

Basically, I can get caught up in all the details that I forget about what matters. I think this is the problem with the entire wedding industry that fully caters to the little bridezilla in every engaged woman. Put a pretty ring on her finger, tell her it is HER day and she deserves it to be just perfect. Have bridal shows that have insanely priced photographers, videographers, bakers, caterers, wedding coordinators, florists, transportation, table linens, lighting... you get my drift.

Source

Source

Instead, I need to remember that this isn't MY day, it is OUR day. It is not about me looking gorgeous or having the flowers and cake just so. It isn't about the wedding, but IS about the marriage. For us, a marriage is a man and a woman coming from their own walks pursuing God, and converging to a walk together [Thank you Ben Stuart @ Breakaway Ministries for that beautiful metaphor]. We're joining both of our families together, and I cannot wait for the day (7 months, 6 days!) when our friends & families are there with us, celebrating our commitment. 

Source

So, when wedding planning is kind of in a lull right now (though the bridesmaids & I are going BM dress shopping tomorrow :) ), and I constantly look at wedding pictures, I just need to remind myself of this. It isn't about a big party or impressing people. It is about the relationship, though, and preparing ourselves for this large step.


[PS- it seems every wedding blog tends to have a "I hate the wedding industry" post, but yet I feel we all give in to it in some degree. THAT'S something to ponder]

And further ponderings

This is in response to my somewhat drowsy yet caffeine-fueled thoughts from last night, of which you can check out here. Amazing how much clearer thoughts can be after getting some sleep.

Anyway, back on topic. I'm sitting here in my PSYC 485 lab and just read a chapter of Crazy Love, a book I am reading with my friend Ginny. it is an awesome book that I recommend to anyone, but today it particularly spoke to me and brought me such a great sense of peace. "God will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine" (p. 60). I keep on reading that line over and over, and am reminded that I do not cannot have this all figured out now. It is His plan, not mine, that He will give me the tools, strength, and energy to succeed in.Obviously I still need action on my part, that of loving and trusting Him, and trying to discern His will for my life, but-- I do not need to know everything now.

That's the problem with being a Type A, pre-planner, detail-oriented person. It is hard for me to let go of my future. I may not see how balancing work and family and still keeping God the number one priority is going to work, mostly due to some books I've been reading for my Marriage Institution class that essentially say:
-It is impossible to have two successful careers and still care for the house & kids
-These books never mention the family having a religious community. Obviously the book describes a non-random sample that was taken from a particular geographical community, etc. But, after reading it, it gets you really down about how you thought your life would be.


But, aside over. So, I may not see how it's going to work, but God has a plan. By praying, asking for discernment, trusting in Him and loving Him in action and in word, and following what is revealed to me, that's all I need to know for now. I do not need to know where we'll be living in 8 months, or what I'll be doing in five years. And I'm actually totally OK with that. As for now, I have opportunities to pursue God in various small groups, and I am going to take advantage of them. Matt & I have started going to a church where we are both comfortable. I am slowly learning just how to keep the priorities straight, though I know it will be something I can always improve upon.


Oh what amazing things can happen when you trust Him. :)

A little bit of pondering

So tonight at Breakaway, Ben discussed a major point that really hit me. For those of you who don't know, Breakaway is held weekly on Tuesday nights, most of the time in Reed Arena. It started as a small Bible study and has since taken off, where there are literally thousands of Texas A&M and Blinn students that attend weekly. It is amazing to see so many people worshiping God in one place, especially when you can feel so alone at a huge university, but I digress...

Anyway, we are studying 1 Thessalonians and he touched on how Paul's big thing in life was not how moral of a life he could lead, but the communities he was a part of, especially the one in Thessalonica. Paul was described as someone who, as part of his group, turned the world upside down. Ben described the various characteristics of Paul, how he was emotionally invested into the community, but not emotionally dependent. He loved them and was open about his feelings for the group. That sense of community you get from reading the letters is really touching, and something that I seriously lack in my own life.

I have been on a couple of mission trips when I was in high school where you get completely immersed in those you are with and the work you are doing that you do develop this community where you can tell people openly that you love them, and it is not in a weird, creepy way that a lot of people just on the street would take it. As Ben was describing, you loved them and you could tell them the truth. And then, of course, the hardest thing is translating that into real life. It is sad to say, but I am not in contact with any of those people I went on those trips with. 

I am a Christian, and I try to love Jesus with all my heart. I know He was sent by God and died for our sins on the cross, but was raised from the dead, so that we may know Him. Yes, I have and believe the basic tenants. I do my best to live a moral life, stay pure, do not get drunk, do not cuss, etc. But, and Ben said this tonight, when I die and enter into Heaven, is that all I want to show in my life? 

The clear answer is no. I want to touch other people's lives, share God's amazing love for all of us and share what He has done in my life. It is a pity I can be scared from doing that, from fear of losing friends, acceptance, etc. Yet, in the end, what's more important? Knowing I tried my best to share my faith with others, or knowing I wimped out because I wanted to be accepted by those here in earth?

As I am about to graduate college, get married, and start a new life, I obviously face the big question of what do I really want in my life. It isn't to be the best in my job. I want a family, but I do not see myself as being a stay-at-home mom, though of course God may have other plans. I love people, though, and I love talking to them, trusting them, and having a sense of community and love. I have oftentimes played with the idea of being a therapist, but I always drop that idea, from fear of burning out or being ineffective. But, how is pursuing a PhD in Criminology and then going into research help me pursue God? Obviously you can pursue God in other arenas that do not directly involve helping people, I guess I just sometimes have a hard time of seeing how. 

But what do I want? I want to glorify God in all that I do. I do not want to be afraid to speak out. I want to love people and have a sense of community. Just the question is how.  

Random thoughts...

Lately I've been having a hard time dealing with perspective. For me, it is so easy to let my mind wander to places it shouldn't, and focus on the scariness of the future, along with other issues. It's easy to get intimidated by my thesis project that's in front of me, and how my work ethic has seem to gone out the window. I tend to focus on the negative, convince myself that I'm utterly alone, and just sit there and dwell.

Well we all know that obviously isn't healthy, physically or spiritually. Last night at Breakaway [where God is doing amazing things, BTW], it hit me how easy it is to get lost in worship when I am surrounded by thousands of other Christians, but when I go about my day-to-day life, that security almost disappears. I don't think about it. I let my devos become more routine and less personal. I focus on how I have no idea where Matt & I will be living in 9 months. I think about how some people aren't meeting my expectations or how others have treated me poorly. 

This is definitely not the first time I've had this realization, but each time I do, it just hurts. Thankfully I am at A&M where I have a chance to attend events such as Breakaway. I have the opportunities to get involved in small groups and go to church. I have an amazing fiance' who is willing to stay up with me and make me talk about these things even when he has scary aero homework. And most importantly, I have Jesus who will always love me, no matter how many times I push Him down a notch on my priority list. He will always remind me of my forgetfulness, and He will always be there when I come back with love and forgiveness. 

Of course I shouldn't have to run back, but we're human- it happens. But, and this is why I'm blogging about this, I need your prayers that I will make a conscious effort to put myself back in my place and remind myself that I'm loved by God who has a plan. I will rest in that knowledge and trust Him. I will give myself to God everyday, and every time I get stressed and work or school just does not go right, I will say a prayer and move on. God, after all, has control.